Insecurities When Dating And Dealing With Them

The Dating Game

I don’t talk too much on my blog about my insecurities and how I feel about myself but I’ve been feeling very up and down the last few weeks and thought I’d talk it in reference to dating. My insecurities in everyday life come and go, sometimes I feel confidence in my own abilities and others I feel like I’m no good, but dating is when I feel the most insecure, no surprise there. My insecurities have plagued pretty much every romantic male interaction I’ve ever had from first dates and hook ups to tenth dates and relationships. My worries are probably no different from most people who suffer from anxiety and insecurities but I wanted to talk about how they make me feel and how I try to deal with them, albeit badly.

A worry I always have is whether a guy is being truthful with their feelings. In the past I’ve been plagued by men boys who claim that they like me/ want to see me again then they either changed their minds or disappeared off the face of the earth. So now whenever a guy says something positive I automatically doubt what they’re saying which is unfair because I’m sure a lot of guys don’t like to play games. When dealing with this kind of insecurity I try and ask myself about the person in question as opposed to lumping them into the generic ‘shitty male’ category. I ask myself has this person ever made me doubt what they’ve said? If the answers no I push my thoughts aside and if my answer is yes then in all honesty the relationship probably isn’t worth continuing with.

valentines day

One of the biggest worries I have is about not being good enough for people. I’ve been told outright that I’m not an attractive person, that I have flaws etc and no one deserves to be told this. Attraction is very personal and what one person might not find attractive, another will but this always worries me. While I don’t mind aspects of myself I don’t love myself and this makes it hard for me to think positively about myself so when I meet someone who seems too nice I think they deserve better than me. This is probably the hardest thing to deal with and one which I do struggle with. I overthink things a lot and a way I deal with this is to write up lists to try and motivate myself that I am actually good enough for someone by writing down what makes me awesome.

Ex’s are also a massive part of my insecurities, especially when a guy has had successful relationships previously that just didn’t work out for whatever reason. I’ve dated guys who have spoken a lot about their ex’s which in some sense is fine as I know these people are part of their lives but this gives it more time to bury in my brain. I find myself comparing myself to guys ex’s; is she prettier than me? Did they have more in common? Did she plan more fun things to do? Was she better in bed? Etc etc, and this is the insecurity I find the hardest to deal with. If anyone knows a good way to deal with this please let me know.

When I’m feeling a bit rubbish about dating or insecure I like to take a relaxing bath or go for a walk to clear my head. Most of the times these things work even if only temporary, but for most that’s all fixes will ever be temporary.

How do you deal with insecurities?
December 14, 2016
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27 Comments

  • Reply Nayna Kanabar

    Beauty is only skin deep, I would not worry about any thing anyone says about your looks. Your goodness and personality will show through and pass beyond your looks and I am sure you have a lovely heart. The right person will be able to see this.

    December 14, 2016 at 10:40 pm
  • Reply Jo Wiggins

    Whoever told you that you’re not attractive is wrong, you’re beautiful, shame on them. I used to feel the same but when I met my husband I knew he was the one and all the insecurities went away x

    December 15, 2016 at 8:04 am
  • Reply Jazmin Williams

    You are absolutely gorgeous and not just the outside, but inside, too. I’m a demisexual meaning I find it hard to find attraction in people unless it’s someone I trust and know. I haven’t had a boyfriend yet (21 years old) and it does get me down a bit but I think my anxiety in general is so bad, dating is the last thing on my mind.

    December 15, 2016 at 10:35 am
  • Reply Claire @ Country Mouse Claire

    I’m so sorry that you’ve had times in the past that have made you worry. Walks are the best way to work things out in my own mind, I always find.

    December 15, 2016 at 1:38 pm
  • Reply StressedMum

    Oh no it is no wonder you have insecurities with things you have been told, but what you have to remember and tell yourself it is them that have the insecurities not you. For the record you are beautiful x

    December 15, 2016 at 2:29 pm
  • Reply Hungry_Healthy_Happy

    I am sorry that you have so many insecurities 🙁 I have never dated (I met my husband when I was 16), but i would have so many insecurities.

    December 15, 2016 at 4:50 pm
  • Reply Kavita

    That must be so hard… I guess it’s hard to be truthful to a near-stranger about the reasons why one might not want to see them again, so we are pre-programmed to let people down gently with little white lies, but being on the receiving end and doubting yourself means that even those white lies intended kindly can be hurtful. But when it happens more than once or twice with the same person, I agree, they are not worth it. You deserve someone who doesn’t feed into your insecurities but helps banish them!

    December 15, 2016 at 5:35 pm
  • Reply Baby Isabella

    Oh hun 🙁 attractiveness is different for different people. Some men are just jerks! My mummy used to have insecurities around dating then she just decided that she didn’t care about what her dates thought and it seemed to go better. X

    December 15, 2016 at 5:48 pm
  • Reply Sarah Bailey

    I’m so sorry you have been told this rubbish that you are not attractive, you are beautiful! It’s difficult to deal with our insecurities, but you do need to love and believe in yourself and the right person will see all of that in you also. x

    December 15, 2016 at 7:04 pm
  • Reply Tara | C&CO.

    I think a lot of men have a problem expressing their feelings down to toxic masculinity and the patriarchy. It’s a real shame!

    December 15, 2016 at 8:51 pm
  • Reply Jodie Whitham

    What a great and honest post! I feel men say what you want to hear sometimes. Then when they are honest, they are brutual. Things like my first ever boyfriend saying my skin is ugly sticks in my head sometimes! It is hard, but have to remember sometimes they’re not worthy. Dating is hard. I feel there is 1 in 100 decent guys and half are probably taken! x

    December 15, 2016 at 11:02 pm
  • Reply Rachel Nicole

    I can relate to this post, I’m always questioning peoples intentions etc.. Dating is really hard! x

    December 16, 2016 at 12:34 pm
  • Reply Stephanie Merry

    I can totally relate to this. I have huge insecurities when it comes to relationships and being able to trust a guy x

    December 16, 2016 at 2:12 pm
  • Reply Beautyqueenuk

    I think sometimes you just have to try and push aside those insecurities, which I know is not that easy, and go for it because life is just too short x

    December 16, 2016 at 5:36 pm
  • Reply Charli B

    I can relate to this so much, especially the part about whether a guy is being truthful with his feelings. I’m trying to push my paranoia and insecurities to the back at the moment with the guy I am seeing now but it’s oh so hard xx

    December 17, 2016 at 6:52 pm
  • Reply Laura

    Ive been with my husband for a long time now but before I was with him I was treated like rubbish repeatedly and it made me feel like i read too much into things. On my first date with my now hubby, he went to the toilet and left his phone in front of me unlocked on the table. I didnt touch it and wouldn’t but I instantly knew there and then that I could trust him xxx

    December 17, 2016 at 10:22 pm
  • Reply Ayesha Farhad

    aah i can absolutely relate to this post! Before getting married, I have gotten into all kinds of useless relationships. trusting BOYS on words they dont really mean. chin up! I had a lame fight with my husband yesterday and I was so angry that I kept thinking ‘what if I need to date again?’ it scared me so bad! Its good to keep your guard up when men say good things but its also good to just go with the flow too.

    December 18, 2016 at 12:14 am
  • Reply GlamourGlitterGloss

    I am a nightmare when it comes to relationships, I have had some nightmares exes and I hold that against all new guys and so end up avoiding them altogether. Dating is hard work!

    December 18, 2016 at 3:22 pm
  • Reply Ana De Jesus

    Hun! I completely identified, sometimes I have dates which I think went well and they make all these false promises like how they can’t wait to see me again and then they disappear off the face of the earth. I think you are amazing and I hope that you know how amazing you are. I have the same insecurities too xxx

    December 18, 2016 at 3:54 pm
  • Reply Natasha Mairs

    I completely understand how you feel, I do this with everyone I met and I don’t mean just men, but friends and every person in general

    December 18, 2016 at 5:28 pm
  • Reply Lubka Henry

    Seriously? Who has told you that you weren’t attractive??! It’s the flaws we have that make us unique and special. Don’t listen to the voices of these insecure men who dumped on you their own faults. You’re an amazing woman!

    December 20, 2016 at 12:11 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    I’m glad my single days are over, I remember these feelings all too well.

    December 20, 2016 at 5:21 pm
  • Reply Zoë IKIWN

    I totally relate to this, I was so insecure about dating for the longest time, there’s no right answer about how to conquer that feeling – personally I didn’t fully get to grips with it until I finally met someone who was worth meeting. You do deserve to meet someone wonderful, and one day you absolutely will. x

    December 20, 2016 at 6:44 pm
  • Reply Ickle Pickle

    I totally lack confidence and have always been very insecure. I hate it, but guess I just try and get on with it. Kaz x

    December 20, 2016 at 7:55 pm
  • Reply Sarah Bear =]

    Oh lovely. I feel exactly the same as you. It’s so hard, and I too simply cannot accept compliments! I just don’t believe them!

    December 20, 2016 at 9:07 pm
  • Reply Kira L Curtis

    I have a similar thing but with friends in general, I find it’s best to stick by those who make you laugh and hopefully the right people will stay 🙂

    December 23, 2016 at 9:39 pm
  • Reply Hannah Latoya Bond

    This can be a hard one. One thing i’ve found hard is ghosting. I’ve met many people who i like and they pretend to like me and then all of a sudden they go quiet and don’t bother responding to you. You can tell they have read your message because whatsapp tells you when they have. If someone doesn’t want to see me again i would rather they tell me upfront. Ghosting is really painful

    January 10, 2017 at 10:34 am
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