So many people suffer from a lack of body confidence and it doesn’t matter your size or shape this can affect anyone. My body confidence is due to my size. I used to talk all about weight but I’m not as fussed about the number of the scales, why you might ask, well it’s pretty simple really. I am now about 6-9 pounds heavier than I’ve ever been before but I am a smaller dress size than I was at my previous heaviest because I do exercise now, something I never did. I don’t mind if the scales say I weigh a lot if this is due to muscle, I’m more concerned about the shape and size of my body.
I managed to lose 4 and a half stone through Slimming World a number of years’ back and being a slimmer me gave me loads of confidence. I’d wear dresses I’d never dreamed of wearing before, I’d not worry about covering up all the time and I’d love having my photo taken. But an assortment of reasons including some holidays, a big Christmas celebration just spiraled out of control and I’m where I am now. When I first started putting back on the weight I hated looking in the mirror, I absolutely hated trying clothes on in a changing room and I’d feel out of place in a number of clothes stores which perhaps were not designed with me in mind.
I’d go on dates and sometimes even see the guys reactions to my size when they met me – even though I never lied about it on online dating profiles. I was even told by a guy I had been on a date with that he liked me as a person but didn’t like my size so he didn’t want to see me again. Things like this really made me hate myself more, and what’s the one thing a lot of people do when they feel shit?! Yes, eat. I started back up trying to do Slimming World determined to get back where I wanted to be but for the past 12-18 months’ my heart just hasn’t been in it and I’ve just not seen progress.
I’d refuse to believe the size of clothes I needed and if a size 12 or 14 didn’t fit I would just think the item was destined to not be mine without trying on a larger size, I’d refuse to shop in ‘plus size’ sections of stores or use websites dedicated to awesome fashion for the slightly larger lady.
Thankfully during the later end of last year, I had a real look at my life and thought heck it’s actually pretty awesome. I have great friends who love me, I have a super amazing family, I travel loads, I have a good job, my own flat etc… and I thought how silly it was letting my size reflect my confidence so I tried to make changes, a little bit at a time. I then went on to meet a very special person who despite the things I hate about myself thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. Having someone who feels this way and tells you this is a huge boost in self-confidence. I was never one for ‘sexy’ lingerie before, I’d think no one wants to see me in something red and lacy, but this year I thought, f**k it, and bought something so out of my usual comfort zone.
Now so many doors have opened in regards to fashion, things I’d never have bought because the initial sizes didn’t fit are now available. Being a size 16 is actually pretty bloody awesome as in a whole host of stores you can fit into the largest standard items, or the smaller end of the plus size items so there’s so much choice. I bought the most amazing leather jacket from the Forever 21 Plus Size selection which actually ended up being a 2XL but for once the letters and numbers on the label didn’t affect my choice to buy it.
I may not be the most confident person and I do still want to get back to a smaller size but until then I’m hating my body less and less as I go on.