The Reason I’m Able to ‘Do So Much’ as a Mum And Why I Refuse To Feel Guilty

One comment I get quite regularly, is some variation of: “I don’t know how you do so much.” Usually it’s in reference to the fact that over the past year I’ve continued blogging, attending events, going to gigs, meeting friends, travelling, taking a solo trip to New York, and generally maintaining a life outside of being a mum.

And while I completely understand why people ask, the truth is that none of it has happened by accident.

Long before Scarlett was even a possibility, Luke and I had countless conversations about what parenthood would look like for us.

Considering I spent so many years being firmly against having children, those conversations were incredibly important. We didn’t make the decision to have a baby lightly. We talked about how our lives would change and what was important to us as individuals as well as a couple.

One thing we both agreed on was that while becoming parents would absolutely become a huge part of our identities, we didn’t want it to become our entire identities. We still wanted to be ourselves. We still wanted hobbies, interests, friendships, date nights, careers, and experiences that existed outside of parenthood.

And while motherhood has changed my life in countless ways, we’ve worked really hard to stay true to that promise.

Scarlett has two parents, not one

I think one of the biggest reasons I’m able to continue doing things I enjoy is because Scarlett has two equal parents.

That might sound obvious, but unfortunately I still think there’s a tendency to assume that mums naturally become the default parent while dads ‘help out.’ That’s never been the dynamic in our house. I do think the fact that we ended up formula feeding did make a big difference from the start. I didn’t have to worry about breastfeeding/ pumping and whether she would take to a bottle.

Of course there are plenty of evenings where I’m the one doing dinner, bath time, stories and bedtime. But there are also evenings where I’m at an event, meeting friends, at a gig, or simply having some time to myself. And on those evenings, Luke does exactly the same things I would do. Because he’s her parent too. He doesn’t babysit his own child. He parents her.

The reality is that if I can leave the house without worrying, it’s because I know Scarlett is with someone who is every bit as capable, loving, and responsible as I am. She’s not being looked after by Dad, she’s spending time with one of her parents. And I think that’s a really important distinction.

We have an incredible support system

Another huge reason we’re able to maintain some balance is because we’re incredibly lucky with the support system we have around us.

Scarlett is the first grandchild for both our parents, although only just for my parents. So it’s safe to say she’s not short of attention. And both sets of grandparents genuinely love spending time with her.

Not because they’re doing us a favour or because they feel obligated. But because they want to. And honestly, that makes such a difference.

They’ve happily had sleepovers, looked after her for afternoons, and stepped in whenever we’ve needed support. As a result, Luke and I have been able to continue prioritising our relationship too. We’ve had date nights, we’ve gone out for meals, and we’ve spent time together that doesn’t revolve around nappies, feeding schedules or the bedtime routine.

And we’ve also had the occasional baby-free evening where we’ve done absolutely nothing except sit on the sofa and enjoy the peace and quiet. Both are equally important.

Being a mum doesn’t mean stopping everything else

I think social media can sometimes create a narrative that good motherhood means complete self-sacrifice. That once you have a child, every decision, hobby and interest should revolve around them. And while I understand where that mindset comes from, I’ve never fully agreed with it.

I absolutely adore Scarlett. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to our family. Most of what I do now is ultimately for her and because of her. But I also think it’s healthy for children to see their parents as whole people. People who have interests, friendships, pursue goals and enjoy experiences.

I want Scarlett to grow up seeing that motherhood doesn’t have to mean losing yourself completely. That it’s possible to love your family wholeheartedly while still maintaining your own identity.

Taking time for yourself isn’t selfish

The thing that often surprises me most is how frequently mums are made to feel guilty for doing things independently.

Whether that’s going to the gym, seeing friends, attending an event, taking a weekend away, or simply spending an afternoon alone. Somewhere along the way, we’ve attached guilt to the idea of mothers having lives outside their children. I’ve worked hard to reject that.

Because taking time for myself isn’t something I do despite being a mum. It’s something I do because I’m a mum.

I genuinely believe that maintaining my hobbies, interests and friendships helps me show up as a better version of myself.

The version of me that comes home from an event excited, refreshed and happy is a much better mum than the version who never takes any time for herself and quietly becomes resentful or burnt out.

Balance looks different for everyone

Of course, I know I’m incredibly fortunate. Not everyone has an equal parenting dynamic, or grandparents nearby. And not everyone has the same opportunities or support network.

I never want this post to come across as if everyone can or should have the exact same experience. But I do think there’s an important conversation to be had about the fact that motherhood doesn’t have to mean disappearing entirely.

The balance will look different for every family. For some people, it might mean a weekly hobby. For others, a monthly night out. Or for others, maintaining a career they love.

There isn’t a right or wrong answer.

Why I refuse to feel guilty

At the end of the day, I refuse to feel guilty for continuing to be myself. Scarlett is loved, she’s happy and she’s secure.

She has two involved parents, grandparents and wider friends and family who adore her. And she also has a mum who still enjoys travelling, attending book events, going to gigs, seeing friends, and pursuing her own interests.

I don’t see those things as competing with motherhood, I see them as complementing it. Because while becoming a mum is the most important role I’ve ever had, it’s not the only thing that makes me who I am.